Although most people have excellent hearing, few know how to
listen. Our schools teach us reasonably well to read and write, and less well
to speak. But, with rare exception, our schools and educational system make no
attempt to teach us how to listen. Yet research and practical experience shows
that an individual will listen five times as much as he/she writes; three times
as much as read; and almost one and a half times as much as talk!
Conclusion: it is impossible to gain any kind of
understanding of others unless we listen!
And that includes knowing how to listen, what to listen for and how to
hear what others feel as well as what they are saying.
Try using the following “keys” to improve your listening
immeasurably.
1.
Listen for ideas! Even though people can ramble on when they
talk, they invariably repeat those things that are important. Speech has the
advantage over writing because it can convey feeling much more clearly and
emphatically. Listen for the ideas behind what people say and will begin to
understand them.
2. Listen for development! Listen with the idea that you are determined
to get something from what others say—something that will be of value to you.
So, be selfish with your listening. Make others a source of your own growth and
development.
3.
Listen for understanding! Even when you start listening with an
open-mind, some idea or word mentioned by the speaker might arouse a defensive
reaction in you. You feel threatened or your need to be right might be placed
in jeopardy. The key is to practice withholding judgment and avoid “selective
hearing” as you listen. Though that person’s ideas may be wrong for you, you
may still gain understanding after hearing an explanation of why that person’s
ideas work in his or her life.
4.
Listen for remembering! People remember primarily by repetition and
association. If you listen with your ears but not your mind, you will remember
little or nothing. Because our minds can grasp a concept or idea up to 10 times
the rate at which we can speak, we can lose focus on what is being said,
replacing the speaker’s words with our own thoughts. Try using this mind “gap”
to recap the speaker’s words, using repetition as a memory aid or even try
anticipating what the speaker will say next, thereby using association to reinforce
your memory.
5.
Practice listening! When faced with idle time while traveling or
waiting for appointments, practice listening just to see how much information
you can gather. For example, try to see how much you can tell about feelings
from casual conversations. Or, practice
listening to material that is difficult to understand which takes special focus
and concentration. Your listening will
improve with practice.
6.
Learn to be silent! Give the other person time to finish before
jumping in with new thoughts of your own. Your silence is an opportunity to
listening for feelings as well as words and ideas. The silence encourages those
who are speaking to elaborate. Learning
to be silent also applies to your body language. Try to control nonverbal behavior
that could interrupt or influence the other person. Maintain comfortable eye
contact and pay close attention to let others know your care about what they
have to say.
An important part of effective listening is acknowledging
the message. Sometimes this takes the form of praising the speaker’s ideas but
more often it is the use of reflective responses to demonstrate you are
listening while opening the door for more elaboration or clarification. A reflective response either repeats key
words or summarizes what you think the speaker was saying. For example, you
might say: “I heard you say…is this right or, “That sounds interesting…can you
elaborate a bit more?”
Getting the speaker to elaborate or clarify can be very
beneficial by giving the opportunity to gain new information or to find out
what the person is really thinking. Remember, people often try to tell you only
what they think you want to hear. So, be careful when acknowledging the message
not to be so enthusiastic or telling as to influence the message. Many times, a
simple “I understand” or “that’s possible” or “um-hum” or a even a simple nod
will encourage the speaker to continue.
One last thought: If
you want the attention of others, first give them yours! If you listen, people
will tell you all you need to know about them.
Acknowledgement:
“Effective Personal Productivity” and “Effective Personal Leadership” by Paul
J. Meyer, Randy Slechta and LMI.
