Listening for Effective Communication

Although most people have excellent hearing, few know how to listen. Our schools teach us reasonably well to read and write, and less well to speak. But, with rare exception, our schools and educational system make no attempt to teach us how to listen. Yet research and practical experience shows that an individual will listen five times as much as he/she writes; three times as much as read; and almost one and a half times as much as talk!

Conclusion: it is impossible to gain any kind of understanding of others unless we listen!  And that includes knowing how to listen, what to listen for and how to hear what others feel as well as what they are saying.

Try using the following “keys” to improve your listening immeasurably.

1.     Listen for ideas!  Even though people can ramble on when they talk, they invariably repeat those things that are important. Speech has the advantage over writing because it can convey feeling much more clearly and emphatically. Listen for the ideas behind what people say and will begin to understand them.

2.     Listen for development!  Listen with the idea that you are determined to get something from what others say—something that will be of value to you. So, be selfish with your listening. Make others a source of your own growth and development.

3.     Listen for understanding!  Even when you start listening with an open-mind, some idea or word mentioned by the speaker might arouse a defensive reaction in you. You feel threatened or your need to be right might be placed in jeopardy. The key is to practice withholding judgment and avoid “selective hearing” as you listen. Though that person’s ideas may be wrong for you, you may still gain understanding after hearing an explanation of why that person’s ideas work in his or her life.

4.     Listen for remembering!  People remember primarily by repetition and association. If you listen with your ears but not your mind, you will remember little or nothing. Because our minds can grasp a concept or idea up to 10 times the rate at which we can speak, we can lose focus on what is being said, replacing the speaker’s words with our own thoughts. Try using this mind “gap” to recap the speaker’s words, using repetition as a memory aid or even try anticipating what the speaker will say next, thereby using association to reinforce your memory.

5.     Practice listening!  When faced with idle time while traveling or waiting for appointments, practice listening just to see how much information you can gather. For example, try to see how much you can tell about feelings from casual conversations.  Or, practice listening to material that is difficult to understand which takes special focus and concentration.  Your listening will improve with practice.

6.     Learn to be silent!  Give the other person time to finish before jumping in with new thoughts of your own. Your silence is an opportunity to listening for feelings as well as words and ideas. The silence encourages those who are speaking to elaborate.  Learning to be silent also applies to your body language. Try to control nonverbal behavior that could interrupt or influence the other person. Maintain comfortable eye contact and pay close attention to let others know your care about what they have to say.

     

An important part of effective listening is acknowledging the message. Sometimes this takes the form of praising the speaker’s ideas but more often it is the use of reflective responses to demonstrate you are listening while opening the door for more elaboration or clarification.  A reflective response either repeats key words or summarizes what you think the speaker was saying. For example, you might say: “I heard you say…is this right or, “That sounds interesting…can you elaborate a bit more?”

Getting the speaker to elaborate or clarify can be very beneficial by giving the opportunity to gain new information or to find out what the person is really thinking. Remember, people often try to tell you only what they think you want to hear. So, be careful when acknowledging the message not to be so enthusiastic or telling as to influence the message. Many times, a simple “I understand” or “that’s possible” or “um-hum” or a even a simple nod will encourage the speaker to continue.

One last thought:  If you want the attention of others, first give them yours! If you listen, people will tell you all you need to know about them.

Acknowledgement: “Effective Personal Productivity” and “Effective Personal Leadership” by Paul J. Meyer, Randy Slechta and LMI.

"Ask and You Shall Communicate"

In an earlier post, I wrote about using behavioral style analysis to improve communications and understanding. A key point of the article was that empathy is an absolute necessity for effective communication and that communication is a two-way process. One of the best ways to insure successful two-way communication and to demonstrate empathy is to ask questions. By asking questions, you demonstrate an interest in the other person and their point of view and they will, in turn, feel valued and respected.

Of course, you have to ask the right questions! The process of establishing “know/like/trust”, which is the foundation for any relationship– personal or business--begins with asking questions.  Simple questions that are easy to answer will relax the other person and allow the conversation to start. As you demonstrate your willingness to listen and remain nonjudgmental, you will start the process of building a positive relationship.

By asking open-ended questions you draw out information that can give you a genuine understanding of the other person’s point of view and help to identify problems.  Open-ended questions cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. They begin with phrases like:

·      “how do you feel about…?”

·      “what do you think…?”

·      “why…?”

·      “what happened…””

Open-ended questions also help to uncover underlying feelings and attitudes and needs and they encouraging sharing of suggestions or solutions, all which will lead to better understanding and better decision-making.  Become an expert at asking open-ended questions and you will encourage people to tap into their own creative resources.

After asking a question, listen attentively to the answer and listen for the total message. Listen to the words themselves but also to the manner of delivery and to what is not said. Ten percent of total communication comes through words, 30 percent by sounds and 60 percent by body language! Observe and evaluate body language, emotion, attitudes and any other apparent external or internal factor that helps you understand the total message.

Acknowledgement: “Effective Personal Productivity” and “Effective Personal Leadership” by Paul J. Meyer, Randy Slechta and LMI.

Defusing Employee Complaints

Leaders of their organization have the responsibility to make decisions, maintain productivity and interpret organizational policy. In this role, you occasionally experience a wave of unpopularity. If you view these occasional disagreements as part of your position rather than as personal attacks, you maintain professional, positive relationships with team members and enjoy personal satisfaction from doing your job well.

But controlling your own emotions is not always easy. Remind yourself that you personally are probably not the cause of a team member’s anger. An angry employee is usually upset with an organizational decision, policy, or rule you are required to carry out. You are simply doing your job.

Because of the position you hold in the organization, it is your function to protect the interests of the organization – not to protect yourself from personal dislike. You can’t worry about what you cannot control. Adopting this rational attitude helps you to think and act in a calm, professional manner without adding the fuel of your own emotions to an already explosive situation. Reacting emotionally to complaints may intensify and prolong the negative situation.

In discussing a complaint with an employee or team member, even if emotions like anger or frustration come to the surface, limit your discussion to the issues and behaviors causing the problem. Because “You” messages often come across as being accusing and judgmental, use “I” messages to keep from becoming defensive when presenting your point of view. Put the message in terms of how a change in behavior can be constructive. For example, instead of saying, “You need to answer memos more promptly,” say something like “I cannot make necessary decisions when you do not respond to memos promptly.” Or instead of, “You are not supporting your team the way you should” say something like “I observe that your team members seem to have a lot of idle time on their hands”.

Using “I” messages allows you to point out how an issue affects you, or explain why the issue is important without attacking the person. When communicating about problems, also avoid judgmental words like should, could, ought, if only, and but. It is important to communicate you’re you are listening with an open mind. Use of the word “but” negates whatever the other person is saying, and it conveys to the other person that you are not open to what is being said.

Addressing problems promptly, rather than procrastinating, is also crucial. One large, nationally known firm reduced the number of written grievances by 95 percent by implementing a concentrated effort to solve problems where they occurred, at the time they occurred. Promptness in solving problems lowers the production cost of goods and services, improves an organization’s competitive position, and enhances customer satisfaction.

Acknowledgement:  LMI and LMI Journal-September 2013

What's Your Communication Style?

Just as people behave in diverse, unique ways, they also communicate in different ways. Knowing the “style” used by individuals in their communication is enormously helpful so that the message can be presented in the way most likely to be received and understood.

The two main dimensions of human behavior that are relevant to clear communications are assertiveness and responsiveness.  

·      Assertiveness is the degree to which a person attempts to influence the thoughts and actions of others. Does he/she ASK or TELL?

·      Responsiveness is the measure of emotional reaction to events. Does the person show feelings, emotions and impressions or does he/she guard and control emotions closely. Does he/she EMOTE or CONTROL?

Using these two dimensions of human behavior and building upon his groundbreaking development of the DISC assessment, Dr. William Marston identified four styles of behavior that affect how people communicate.  These are: ANALYTICAL, DRIVER, AMIABLE and EXPRESSIVE.

Everyone uses a blend of communication styles depending on the circumstance of the conversation so not all responses or action or reaction will come from the basic style. But, by watching closely for signals such as tone of voice or speed of speech or manner of decision-making, one can observe and determine the basic or dominant communication style of others. 

ANALYTICALS:        

People who are low in responsiveness and low in assertiveness are generally considered to be analyticals.  These ASK/CONTROL people are objective and task-oriented as the driver, but often relax their controlling tendency by asking when the driver would tell. Analyticals live life according to facts, principles and logic, avoiding risk. They usually react in a disciplined and deliberate way.  They tend to be technical specialists who combine personal reserve with emotional control in their relationships. They are motivated by a deep desire to be “right”.

DRIVERS:

People who are assertive and nonresponsive are drivers.  These TELL/CONTROL people tell others what to do and use their objectivity to control themselves. Drivers are primarily concerned with results and will concentrate on the task at hand rather than on the people who do the work. They seek power, make independent decisions and are quick to say what they think. Drivers like for others to be efficient so they can save them time and present facts/options that make it easy for them to make a decision. When under stress, drivers people tend to become autocratic.

EXPRESSIVES:

Highly assertive and highly responsive people are expressives. Like drivers they make an effort to tell others what to do but they place more importance on the relationship than on the task and they are more intuitive and impulsive.  Expressives pursue relationships and seek to influence through emotion, not objectivity. They often appear open, warm and approachable, yet competitive. They place value on power and are motivated to gain personal recognition.  They tend to be creative, friendly and ambitious. Under pressure, however, expressives tend to attack.

AMIABLES:

People who are low in assertiveness and high in responsiveness are amiables. Like expressives, they soften their style with a more personal, feeling approach but who remain reserved in their personal relationships.  Often considered support specialists because of their dependability, amiables set high priority on cooperative behavior, close relationships and friendships. Under pressure, they tend to give in or appease.  Amiables share their feelings with other and place a priority on being accepted.  They tend to avoid risk and activities in which they are not comfortable.   

Okay, so you have determined your own communication style and you have a good sense of the dominant communication style of others with whom you interact, what now?  The “what now” is the willingness to adapt your own communication style to theirs to improve mutual understanding, agreement and acceptance!  William James, the father of modern psychology wrote about the basic need people have to be understood. People want to receive information they way they want to receive it. When you communicate in the style of the recipient you are much more likely to be understood. Consider your goal and the situation and then use the style that best accomplishes your purpose.

The more skillfully you adapt your communication style to other people, the more likely you are to make them feel at ease.  As tension decreases, trust and credibility increases, making clear communications possible. Adapting your style to others does not mean imitating them, it simply means adjusting your style to try to meet their needs as well as your own.

Acknowledgement: “Effective Personal Productivity” by Paul J. Meyer, Randy Slechta and LMI.

Boomerang

Even though it was published 2 years ago, Michael Lewis's account of the financial and cultural bubbles that finally burst in Iceland, Greece, Ireland, California, et. al. is still worth a read.  With wit and humor and no shortage of sarcasm, Lewis gives the backstory to the people, events, stupidity, ignorance, greed and blind ambition that turned the financial markets and economies of countries on its head...from which we are all still trying to recover in no small way.

A great reality check that should be required reading for all students of economics and finance and human psychology.  Lewis definitely shines a bright light on the bad guys...and they are not too different from ourselves.

Just finished listening to  Jill Konrath's book, SNAP Selling and loved it. Great stuff.  The premise is that the world has changed when it comes to selling stressed out, crazy-busy buyers who do not want or have the time to hear a sales pitch or change the status quo.

Jill takes the seller through SNAP principles which stands for Simple, iNvaluable, Aligned and Priority and lays out a path and process to overcome buyer obstacles and create genuine value, which the buyer will respond to.  A workbook accompanies the audiobook and provides a buyer's matrix of information the seller needs to know and questions to be asked at each stage of the process.

Great stuff!

Joel